Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting:
Respectful Interactions With Other Parents
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.
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We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned in to silence. If you're at all like me, afterwards you go home and think of the thousands of things you would have loved to say to the thoughtless person. Through this journey through infertility, I've certainly had my share of "Oh, I wish I said..."
The thing is, almost every time the reason I haven't said something back is because I was either already hurting over what ever silly comment was made or I just didn't have the emotional energy to fight against whatever thoughtless comment I was confronted with. It's always a low blow that you just don't see coming because you're just bumbling along in survival mode.
Today, I had the rare opportunity to be sitting in a coffee shop while a woman next to me was breastfeeding her (flippin' adorable) baby. Now, we're all friends here, right? I thought so. So I can be totally honest. I was completely jealous from head to toe. One of the things I'm desperately looking forward to when our little one comes along is breastfeeding. So while I was admiring this mama, I was also silently wondering "When the heck is that going to be me??"
Very quickly pulling me out of my day dream was a very rude man who approached the mama and asked her quite sarcastically "Wouldn't you like to cover up?" Now - there's two pieces of information that could be valuable here... 1) If you could see anything on this mama, you were looking way too hard. Not that it would have mattered if she had her full boob out - she still 100% has the right to tend to her baby's most basic need. And 2) I happened to be wearing a slightly low cut shirt today with a bit of cleavage, and by comparison me and almost every other woman in the coffee shop was showing more boob than this mama was.
I don't know if it was the fact that just a second ago I wishing I was in this mama's shoes, or the fact that she just got teary eyed and reached for her hand bag to leave the coffee shop, or just the fact that the man was flat out wrong, something just snapped in me. I do consider myself a non-confrontational person, but I couldn't hold back shooting at the man "Well, I guess I should leave too because I'm showing a hell of a lot more boob than she is! Or is this somehow okay to a sexist ass like yourself!" Now, do I consider this respectful interactions with other parents, while acknowledging that I was flat out rude? Heck, yes!! While I do generally subscribe to the principle of "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar"... I also think that when you are able to, you really have to stand up and speak for those who cannot. Regardless if it's because they physically cannot speak for themselves, or the fact that they are just so emotional worn down that the thought of standing up for yourself is exhausting - someone should be there to do it. This wonderful mama clearly didn't have the energy or patience to enlighten this man as to how close minded he was.
I'm so thankful that we live in a place where this type of thinking is actually the minority. The manager of the coffee shop who saw this whole interaction, actually told the man if he was uncomfortable he was more than welcome to leave, but the breastfeeding mama could stay and relax. The mama gave me a huge hug and told me she would have been kicking herself later for all the things she should have said to the man. Who hasn't been there??
The fact is, it does take a village to raise a child. We're all in this together, and no one needs to go it alone. What about you? How do you share your parenting philosophies with others respectfully?
Photo Credit: The incredible photographer Nathan McGehee, partner of Stefanie Le Jeunesse of Very Very Fine.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)
- How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it's from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
- Judgement is Natural - Just Don't Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
- Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
- When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
- Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
- Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
- The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother's groups, etc.
- Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
- Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the "Mommy-space" online.
- Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God's Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
- How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles... — Jenny at I'm a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents' worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
- Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
- Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
- Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
- Carnival of Natural Parenting - Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
- Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
- Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she's learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
- Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
- Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
- Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
- If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
- Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
- Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
- Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others' parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
- The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
- Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
- Speaking Up For Those Who Can't — We've all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you're stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think "Gosh, I wish I said…" This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought "Gosh, I wish I said…"
- Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
- Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
- The Thing You Don't Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
- 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
- Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
- Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she'd want to meet.
- Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
- Saying "I'm Right and You're Wrong" Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause... — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
- Have another kid and you won't care — Cassie of There's a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
- Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
- A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
- Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
- Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
- Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
- Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
- Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
- Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
- Explain, Smile, Escape — Don't know what to do when you're confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
- Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
- Linky - Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert's Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.
